Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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