You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
