I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
