I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
