when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
