my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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