So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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