I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
