I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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