He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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