Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
