Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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