Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
