I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
