I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
