I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
