youre lurking in front of me
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
