She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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