Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
