Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
