Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
