I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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