I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
