I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
