Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
