Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
