K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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