i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
