Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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