too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
