i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
