I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
