Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm at about main and main street
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
