i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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