I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
