I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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