So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
