Yo dont text me then not text me
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
