The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
