My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
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accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Of course I have a pirate flag
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WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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