i just wanna soil my oats bro
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
