Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
