i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
