Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
