There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
