Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
