I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
