If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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