his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
