worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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