Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
