i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
