I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
