Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
