as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
